A Year of Reflection // A Personal Post

 

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. A year of wrestling how I was or if I was even going to write this post. I’m not going to lie when I say that this year has been really, really hard. I’ve dealt with every emotion under the sun from confusion, joy, anger, contentment and sadness.

I was scrolling through Facebook on Thanksgiving and a friend posted a status asking what others were Thankful for. Other then the obvious: friends, family and Bella, I couldn’t answer it but the next day it hit me like a ton of bricks what I was truly thankful for – thankful for the heartache that was caused a year ago and the strength to slowly pick up the pieces. It’s probably taken me longer then it should because I haven’t really separated myself from my ex-fiance. I never left our church and now am in a leadership serving position where we have to collaborate the best we possibly can. Let me tell you- it’s the hardest thing ever. Thankful for the strength that I never knew I had. I have had to battle a lot of weaknesses, but I never let them hold me back from doing things. I freaking got a dog and bought a condo in a safe neighborhood that I was familiar with and had friends in all within a matter of weeks of one another. I have stepped up in serving at church more, I have attended more concerts this year then in previous years. I have laughed until I cried on more then one occasion (before a year ago I couldn’t tell you when the last time that happened). And I have made new friends and discovered who my real friends were. That took a lot of evaluation and heart-searching and not a fun process. Granted a lot of my so called friends were going through different life changes anyway so it was a easy and hard process at the same time.

So, thankful for strength and heartache. Sounds contradictory, doesn’t it? But one doesn’t come without the other. Sometimes you have to lose the one love in your life to find your true self again on top of learning to love yourself again. Be be that person you were before they came into your life. It’s been said that you have 3 loves in your life: your first love, the one who first taught you about love, and then the love that you marry. I had my first love when I was 18 – he was the first feeling about love, my ex-fiance taught me what love is and what love does for others without expecting love in return. So the love I will marry? While I am optimistic that hopefully one day it will happen, the pessimist in me also says, “nah it won’t because you will never love the way you loved him.”

But only God knows. He’s the one that is slowly shaping and changing my heart. It just takes a little time.

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